What Do YOU Do At One In The Morning?

Well, of COURSE I write what I'm too afraid to post on Tumblr where the people I'll be referencing can see it.

It's not that I'm afraid that they'll see it. I just don't know if they feel the same way about our friendships as I do.

I don't even know how to put into words how much all of these people have meant to me this summer. As much as I wish that I'd been friends with all of them so much sooner than just this past year, I think we all met at the perfect time. At least for me, anyways. I knew this first summer on my own would be rough, but it honestly has been one of the best summers of my life thanks to these guys.

I would never have done any number of the things I did this summer without them. Releasing my first full length album, going to my first actual parties, driving recklessly with a boy in the trunk, getting sooo much new music, going to diners at one in the morning, swimming with people in their underwear, watching Eric Andre, sleeping under art, doing yoga in a tree house, cuddling with my bandmates. I've learned so many things and met so many people and tried so many new things that I wouldn't have found the guts to do otherwise.

I don't know how to say goodbye to them all, either. Do I make gifts? Do I just try and hug them all? Do I wait and send them stuff in college? Do I send sappy letters? I doubt that they value these friendships as much as I do; I still feel the awkward age gap, where they're all going off to college and I'm still in high-school-land. And I don't know if I've returned all the favors they've given me. Or how to repay them for the summer I'm so glad that I had.

Summer's not over quite yet, but I just needed to get these thoughts out there.

If any of you guys see this, I hope you know that it's about you. And that I'm grateful a billion times over that we're friends, and that I hope you kick so much ass in college. I'll miss you. Thanks for being a fucking fantastic friend.

So much love,

Suzi

So, To Continue These Posts About My Love Life..

I'm actually enjoying being single now.

It's ridiculously wonderful to know I can hang out with whoever I want, or cuddle with people, or just THINK as an individual. I never realized how many of my opinions had been essentially formed by someone else, and it's nice to start making up my own mind about things.

Though, I still do miss having a someone. When I see couples at school or out and about, it still kinda hurts. Because I used to have that, and now it's gone. But I guess I know that it's possible for me to have that in the first place, which helps me believe it'll happen again. Just not now.

Quite honestly, I neeeed space right now. I don't wanna deal with another relationship for a while. Being single in high school is an entirely new experience for me, and it's not altogether unpleasant. I feel like I only hafta worry about me, and not constantly thinking about anyone else.

So. I need topics besides coming to terms with my singleness.

OH. Right.

My first two grad parties ever were successes! Everyone looked wonderful in their sundresses, it was so nice seeing everyone all dressed up. And I saw so many peoples, and they said they liked me and I said I liked them and friendships were reaffirmed and it was loverly. The only downside was that it reminded me that all of these fantastic people won't be here next year, and I'll be awfully lonely without them. For the most part, I enjoy people from the senior class much more than the majority of my class (besides all my terrific friends, of course). And considering some of them are heading off to Nowhere, Ohio and the like, I have no idea when I'll see them next once they graduate.

Growing up is difficult.

But I must head off to bed now. Tomorrow is practice for Blue Man Group next Friday (I'm painting myself blue and everything, guys, please come out to Battle of the Bands so it's not all for naught!) and sleep is necessary.

Knighty knight, y'all,

Suzi

YOU'RE IN THE FRIEND ZONE, AND FOR A REASON.

IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU THAT WAY.

I said yes to going to prom with you AS A FRIEND. I lend you my books AS A FRIEND. You can't take a now three year friendship and do this to it. You know I just got out of my first relationship, that lasted for almost three years, and now you're doing this?

JUST. I MEAN. BOYS.

In other news, I maybe possibly hopefully will not paint myself blue and play the drumbone at the upcoming Battle of the Bands. So there's a reason to come out and see it. Just warning you: I have no idea what I'll look like in a bald cap.

I've also decided (or kinda sorta have thought about) joining Speech and Debate next year. I'd wanna perform slam poetry. Not write it, necessarily, I don't have that kind of writing ability. But the whole performing of them just seems so wonderful. I just need some to perform. Any suggestions? (Psh, I act like people read this thing.)

Off To Watch Poets On Youtube,

Suzi

Emotions From An Ex-Boyfriend Virgin

He said no.

I knew he'd say no, I regretted asking him as soon as I'd said it. But, of course, the fact that he had to think about it and make me wait a freaking week and a half for an answer got my hopes up. I'm not even sure if it's him that I miss or what we had when everything was going well or just a boyfriend in general. Everything's so messy inside my head. It is my first time being actually single in high school, so maybe that's what's got me so weird. And the fact that he was my first boyfriend. Of two and a half years.

Le sigh.

It's better that I don't have someone else to worry about on top of everything else that comes along to stress you out during junior year. I just miss my best friend.

Off To Do Some French Homework (And Probably Cry A Little, Too),

Suzi

So These Are Some Words.

And they're written way too late at night for them to be completely coherent, but I want them and need them to be written right now.

I need personality. I need opinions. I need knowledge. I need to think. I've been too damn lazy mentally lately (adverbs anyone?) and I need my brain back. Whether it was helping depressed friends or losing my grandmother or being single in high school for the first time that did it, I don't know, but I want it to stop.

I'm gonna start fangirling again (Benedict Cumberbatch, oh my GOD) and musicking more and drawing more and making my room my own again and reading books all the way through again and riding my bike again and climbing trees again and making badass birthday presents again and being myself again.

I've missed being myself. And I'm not entirely sure how I lost myself in the first place.

I told him I'd try again, if he wanted to. He hasn't talked to me in over a week. Well, fuck him. Single life is better now, even if I'm reminded of him every once in a while, and still cringe when I see couples. Being on my own now is probably healthier. I can hang out with my friends if I want to, even GUYS, god forbid. I can go to Thanks Thursdays and cuddle with whoever if I so please. I can take a friend to prom and we can dress up like rainbows and show up in a shitty car. I can spend all night watching Sherlock and skyping my best friend. I can watch shitty romantic comedies with my sister and eat too much candy.

WOORRRDDSSS. EMOOTIONNSS. FEEEELLLINGGSS.

I feel a bit better.

New college requirement: marching band. (I can't help myself)

Another one: studying abroad (Europeeuropeeuropeeurope)

I'm painting my toenails and feeding dogs tomorrow.

Sleep would be expected of me at this point, I guess. Knighty knight.

I'm Feeling Pensive and Sad Tonight.

Things I Dislike (Because I Really Ought Not to Hate Anything)
-when fantastic things end
-when people are sad
-when I can't un-sad them
-fatal illnesses and diseases
-when people needlessly fight
-drowning in work and busy things
-sleeping less than five hours
-neglecting to stretch
-not being able to please everyone

I epitomize the image of a frustrated, angsty teenager tonight, I believe. I've had a fantastic weekend, and yet I'm still fed up with things. I don't like being so sad after being so happy. "What goes up must come down" my ass.

I'd really like to sleep for a week.

Should I try this again?

Might as well.

Hey y'all. Is blogging out of vogue now? I guess that means it's sufficiently obscure enough for me to resume posting. I must keep up hipster appearances after all.

Though, I may be lapsing into a punk style. All my rad eighties t-shirts and Japandroids posters and punk-band-memberships.

I really wanna go out, all the time. I feel like I'm too square (see the punkiness?), that by following the rules all the time and being the goody two shoes I am is ruining my chances to be a reckless teenager. I'd love to run out in the middle of the night to concerts or parties, or to spontaneously drive into the city or something. My conscience is too strong though, I've yet to overcome it. I'll just have to enjoy squaredom until I get my punk act together.

In other, less soul-searching news, I got an iPod classic for Christmas, as well as a pinhole camera kit, and half a serenade from my lovely (I'm getting the other half when he remembers the rest of the lyrics). I've also accumulated a huuge pile of giveaway clothes, which makes me feels better about getting presents. Hopefully I can get them to Goodwill this week.

Just to add that little bit of stress I always seem to talk about, I reaally need to practice for district band. I took a week off after auditions (after two months of practicing everyday at lunch and never seeing my friends) but I didn't realize just how soon the concert is. I'm hoping to learn all the snare parts during break, leaving the marimba and timpani parts for when I can get back in the band room. I just need better time management (another naggment on my mind).

Various Other Life Updates:
- I made fourth chair in district band (third in orchestra!)
- I'm top drummer in Panther Jazz Band
- I'm in a band with Teofertax and TGalaxy (which is way more fun than I thought it'd be)
- I've still got ma' boy
- I volunteer at the Delco SPCA
- I've been to Europe and back (six countries!)
- I've started a vinyl collection (some artists include: Yes, Sufjan Stevens, The Australian Jazz Quartet, Weather Report, Bon Iver, John Coltrane)
- I'm finally seriously reading The Lord of the Rings
- I'm taking AP Bio (if that wasn't already known) and it's sooo keewwlll
- I have a signed Japandroids poster that makes me so so happy (thank youu, Durgle)

But, I'm off to snack a little before bed. It's been real, all my invisible blog-followers. Hope to see you soon.

Suzi Q

Sim Sala Bim

He was so kind, such a gentleman tied to the oceanside, lighting a match on the suitcase’s latch in the fading night.

Helplessness Blues, anyone? Goodness gracious, what an amazing album. I didn’t think anything could live up to Fleet Foxes’ first album, but they completely proved me wrong.

In other music news, WE’RE SEEING CSS AND SLEIGH BELLS TONIGHT! Apparently there’s another opener as well before CSS, but I dunno who they are. I’m completely psyched, not only for Sleigh Bells but CSS as well. I listened to some of their music, and they’re really kewl. The only slightly terrifying bit is going to be the whole it’s-a-general-admission-concert-and-I’ve-never-been-to-one-before-and-I’m-afraid-of-being-squashed thing. But other than that, I’m exciiiiteeddd

Keep Your Head

Fourteen, intimidated, and she's just fourteen. She's getting pulled from the opposite side, until it breaks down. Blame it on the wrong crowd, stay, more make up, hair dye.

I need to learn how to do my hair in braids correctly. I just tried tonight, and it didn’t turn out all that well…

GOING ON – GNARLS BARKLEY = AMAZING SONG

Planning a hipster dance is quite fun. ‘Specially picking out music. And ironic decorations. And appropriately vintage clothes. And obscure French foods you’ve probably never heard of before. Any music suggestions? Preferably a band that I’ve never heard of before, please.

Is it bad that I like a Justin Timberlake song? The video’s bizarre/kewl (the second half is a little weird), and the song is great. Who knows what this’ll do to my hipster cred..

Yes, I know this post is bad, but it’s been sitting in my Windows Writer for a while, and I felt obligated to post SOMETHING. Expect a quality post soon, maybe.

Happy Tomorrow Isn’t A Three-Hour Delay,

Lemongirl

My Body is a Cage

That keeps me from dancing with the one I love, though my mind holds the key.

IT’S FRIDAY AND I FINISHED MY HISTORY PAPER AND I CAN SLEEP IN TOMORROW AND WATCH POKEMON AND RELAX (SOMEWHAT) AND I NEED THE WEEKENDD

Phew. Downside about this particular weekend? I start gym on Monday. Wonderful. Just what I need to do right before I go to physical therapy. Though I’m not sure how much longer I’m gonna have that; my doctor never said how long I was supposed to go for. Ah well, it’s actually nice hang out with other injured people.

Why is it that adults assume that teenagers are incapable of intelligent, “mature, adult” thinking? My history teacher, for example, won’t believe you if you come up with an idea that sounds “too intelligent” and will assume you’re lying. That infuriates me beyond belief. Who says that age equates to intelligence? Or that experience sprouts ideas? Epiphanies and ideas and theories and hypotheses are born of anyone’s mind, regardless of what age they are. Just because you, Mr. Lynch, are fifty, and my friend and I are teenagers does not mean that you have dibs on all the intelligence in the room. Remember, now, that you were the one who thought malaria had been eradicated by Bill Gates. Just saying.

Beddy bye time, my back aches.

Suzi Q

How It Ends

There is no escape from the slave catcher's songs. For all of the loved ones gone, forever's not so long.

Hello, y’all. I’m back from an exhausting two hours of physical therapy. I’m sore as hell, but I’ve made a new friend (Sarah, a knee-injuree) and I can feel my super-ripped, washboard abs coming in. I’m gonna be so ready for drumline next year.

I named all the food at dinner tonight en français in preparation for the quiz tomorrow. Woooo

I sometimes wish I that I could become an artist when I grow up. Creating art is something magical for me. I feel like I used to be able to draw fairly well (I once drew this sweet-awesome picture of a horse ((I still have it)) ) but now I’m only proficient at doodling. But I guess music could be considered an art form as well, though I don’t write my own songs. I only play others’ music. Maybe I’ll join a band again. Combust revival, anyone?

Better stop procrastinating and get to writing this history summary.

Au revoir,

Zoé

P.S. – Death By Blonde – DeVotchKa (I’m a sucker for instrumentals)

For the Widows in Paradise; For the Fatherless in Ypsilanti

I have called you preacher, I have called you son. If you have a father, or if you haven’t one. I’ll do anything for you, I’ll do anything for you. I did everything for you, I did everything for you.

If it’s even possible, I’ve fallen in love with Sufjan and his music all over again. While shuffling through his music, some older stuff that I hadn’t listened to in a while came up, and I realized just how beautiful his music is. *swoon*

In other news, I guess I’m back! I don’t know just how many people still remember this blog, so I’ll primarily be posting now (if I remember) to just get things off my chest or try and unscramble the mess that is my mind is right now.

Like how things go unappreciated. The whole tragedy in Japan as well as the turmoil in Libya has kicked off this thought in my brain recently. We (those in developed nations) have it so easy. The majority of, at least America’s, population has a job, a home, three meals a day. Even the worst case of poverty still allows for those people to survive, even on the streets. In Japan, after this ravaging earthquake, people have died, are dying, and those trying to survive have no access to food, water, electricity, or even shelter in some cases. Libyans are dealing with bloody battles every other day, as well as international interference in their country’s goings-ons because of their corrupt government; they don’t know if they’ll be shot dead that day or the next. But us? Us middle-class teenagers of suburban Philadelphia? Our biggest complaint is too much homework, or too little sleep. How is our suffering at all comparable to those around us?

And I’m not saying that there isn’t suffering here. I know there is. I’ve dealt with a friend whose family to going to shambles, another who might be shipped away to boarding school or a mental hospital. Suffering is universal, as is pain. Maybe I’m the only one who’s been spared the pains of the real world, seeing as I’ve had, in comparison, a ridiculously easy life. And yet I find reasons to be depressed. Who do I think I am, to feel sorry for myself? My back aches, I have too much homework, I’m so tired because I only get five hours of sleep each night, my best friend won’t tell me things anymore, I doubt my boyfriend’s love, I procrastinate too much, I’m bored, whine whine whine. To hear about such devastations happening around the world, and to even my friends around me, and then to bemoan my own life? It’s not right.

And yet I can’t stop myself. My view of the world is narrow, and it’s limited. I’ve never been to Libya, or Japan; I’ve never had parents separate; I’ve never committed self-injury; I’ve never been starving, or poor, or oppressed, or beaten, or restricted. The most groundbreaking change in my life? Moving twenty minutes away from my house in Drexel Hill. That’s it. I’ve lead a (comparably) uneventful, safe, delightful little life so far. And yet I still complain.

And maybe it’s human nature to blame, not me. Maybe it’s not my fault that I can’t empathize the suffering of others. It’s human nature to care about oneself first, then others, right? But it’s also in human nature to help others. Which is what I’ve tried to do. When that friend was cutting herself at a party? I was willing to help, with the support of my rock, my best friend. When that friend said her mom hurt her? I was there to consol her. When my friends need to talk, I try to be there for them, I try to be someone they can lean on, can pour their feelings out to so they can feel better. I want to be someone who can try to assuage some of this global suffering, if even on a small level.

And I’m not trying to place myself on some morally pure, charitable, selfless pedestal. I’m not a perfect person, and I never will be. But I try to do my best to help the people I care about.

But where I get stuck is when these feelings start to become my own. Dealing with a depressed schizophrenic wears on you after a while, hearing the same mantra of “I hate myself,” “my life is horrible,” “I don’t know if anyone likes me.” It enters your mind and manifests itself there, poisoning the sound mind you thought you had. You begin to doubt people’s intentions, you doubt whether they like you or not, if they really want you there or not. You begin to notice more flaws in yourself than you did before, and hate yourself for them.

And I’m not blaming my friend. She’s my best friend in the whole world, and I’ll be there for her ‘til the world ends, no matter what happens. I love her like she’s my own sister. I don’t want anything to be her fault; she’s hurt enough. I’m just realizing where these thoughts have come from, and trying to figure out why they won’t go away.

So, to be grateful is my New Year’s Resolution, if a tad late. What I have is a wonderful life, that I’m not truly appreciating. And if I don’t soon, it’ll be ruined by my own bad attitude.

I hope you enjoyed my pensive post, I’ll be back soon for some more.

Lemongirl

Count Bubba

Am I allowed to stab my jazz band music in the face? ‘Cause I’d really like to. Jesus, that music is going to drive me insane, I know it. I’ve spent this whole night trying to get it perfect, ‘cause I really really wanna make Panther Jazz Band this year. So I have ‘til Tuesday fifth block to make it as good as I can. PRESSURE MUCH?!

These are the songs I’m attempting to play:

Goodbye Pork Pie Hat

La Fiesta

23 Degrees North / 82 Degrees West

Count Bubba

 

I love them all to listen to, and they’re fun to play, but they’re exhausting to learn and are all really fast and complicated (except Pork Pie, that’s pretty chill).

I hate stressing out over music. It ruins the whole fun of it. I just need to do awesome at the audition and I’ll finally be able to relax.

 

Panicky,

Lemon

The Modern Age

Up on a hill is where this begins, this little story from a long time ago.

I’m writing about madness in English. I think it’s the only time I could talk about the Mad Hatter in an English paper and have it be relevant.

I’m supposed to be doing my lab report now, so I don’t have to worry about it tomorrow, since I’ll be so busy watch my husband SUFJAN playing on stage. I just don’t have it in me to talk about cellular respiration right now, though. Sigh.

I CAN talk about how excited I am for the concert, though. Guess how excited I am, just guess.

I’M SO EXCITED I NEED TO WRITE IN BOTH BOLD AND UNDERLINE.

YEAH.

THAT EXCITED.

It’s going to be ah-maz-ing. I just know it.

Who’s bummed that the epic scramble during the hybrid show is only a backwards walk for drumline? I am. :(

Um, yeah. There are other things on my mind, a lot of things, but talking about them on here would either bore you or I wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about.

So, be happy I posted again! Yay! Happiness! Wooooooo

Lots and lots and lots and lots of love (Oh, Hugh Laurie..),

Suzi Q

School.

I feel so conformist, this seems to be all that anyone's talking about today.

I'm bummed summer's over, mainly because I didn't fit in nearly as many things as I'd have liked to. Also, I like sleeping in late.

It's good to be back in band, though. Quints are a heck of a lot funner than the snare drum, if a little heavier. And the songs aren't half bad, either. I thought I'd completely despise Love Drunk, but the arrangement's actually really fun to play. The original song? Yeah, it sucks. But marching band-style? Awesomeness.

...I wanna sleep now. I'm orienting freshmen tomorrow, I'll need my rest. -_-

Suzi Q

Timshel.

Life’s so damn complicated sometimes. Or just weird. Like I don’t understand how things can be pointing all in one direction, then suddenly turn another way. You’re so sure that everything is going to happen one way, how could it work any other way? But then life goes and slaps you across the face, making sure you know that it’s in charge, not you.

Not that my life is that dramatic. Maybe East of Eden is starting to get to me.

Sigh.

Sorry I haven’t written in so long. I’d basically forgotten this existed. And I wasn’t sure I’d wanna share what was happening in my life with the entire online world. Not that I think many people read this, especially now.

 

Are you tired? We’ll call it dignified. Well now it all seems to be cut and dried. So I know which way to run. You’re tired, my love, I feel the same. The leaden lung won’t speak my name now.

 

Hear the new Arcade Fire album? It’s brilliant. Soo awesome. Go listen to it. It’s called The Suburbs.

I’m down the shore now. Brigantine, NJ. I hung out with Mickey last week, which was fun. Went to the boardwalk and the beach and watched a bajillion and one James Bond movies. He left Friday, so I’m basically an only child until Tuesday, when Dani comes back from Alabama. She’s been staying with my cousin and her extended family.

So. There’s a post. Enjoy it.

Suzi Q

Mr. Ko? Could You Go Die In A Hole? Thanks.

Writing. A science lab. Woohoo. My idea of spending a Thursday night.

I've been reading Brave New World for my independent reading project, and it's AWESOME so far. Little creepy, little strange, but all around very well written and I love the plot and characters.

Props to Soraya for starting a new blog that has more than one post! :D I like yo' writing. And your poem about Gabe. :)

Imma go back to my work now. Enough procrastinating.

Letters From The Sky

I finished that essay. Ish. I had almost finished it, when i accidentally hit the Google Translate button on my browser, AND MY ESSAY TRANSLATED TO ITALIAN. ...AND THEN IT SAVED. So I spent the next ten minutes trying to translate it back. >.<>

Easter's almost here! We're having twenty-five people over (geez) including one Jew. :) So I get to help clean the whole house! YAY! We also stained our deck a pretty brownish-chestnut colour to make it Easter worthy.

I HAVE A SUPER AWESOME HAT FROM ALICE IN WONDERLAND AND IT'S AMAZING AND MAKES ME FEEL LIKE THE MAD HATTER!

Oh, I went to Disneyworld for marching band! (Yes, a little late notice, but I haven't been posting in a while :P) 'Twas uber fun fun. I've yet to post the pictures though, 'cause Facebook doesn't like to post my pictures, and I don't think Snapfish would let me upload over 500 pictures..

ALRIGHTY

SEEYA

~Lemongirl

FRUSTRATION.

I. CAN'T. FOCUS.

I need to write an essay. On capillary action. For Mr. Ko. AND I JUST CAN'T DO IT.

Capillary action? Why it's the reason a forest shouldn't be built over? A WHOLE ESSAY?!

Jesus Christ.

In other news, there was the most super awesome Facebook prank today. Everyone changed their profile picture to Gabe, then made their status: "Never forget to love life."

Ha. Haha. 'Twas funny. :D

Also, Civil Twilight is awesome. And their singer sound just like Bono. Pretty uncanny resemblance.

TIME TO ATTEMPT THE STUPID ESSAY AGAIN!

Cyaa.

Wow.

Hey. It's been awhile. I remembered this thing existed. No idea if you guys check it anymore, but I'll start posting again anyways. :)

Jazz Band has been fun, though Mr. Greenhaugh CUT ONE OF MY SONGS FOR THE NEXT CONCERT! >.< I spend most of my time just sitting around or taking pictures. Speaking of pictures..

I WANNA BE A PHOTOGRAPHER. Mhm. Yup. I love photography. It's soo much fun. I'll just walk around outside and take pictures of stuff for hours. I must look ridiculous to other people..but, eh. Too bad. :D

I kinda like field hockey. We played it in gym yesterday, and it was fun. Not that we played a game, or anything, but I like how you play and..yeah. I dunno. I'll see what happens when we play a game game.

Btdubs, IT'S A SIX-DAY WEEKEND! WE'VE HAD TWO BLIZZARDS IN A ROW! SO I MADE A SNOWMAN! HIS NAME IS MARTY WILBUR XAVIER SPINA THE SNOWMAN! HE'S AWESOME!

So...yeah. I guess this'll do, for now. Cyaa.

Love,

Lemongirl