What Do YOU Do At One In The Morning?

Well, of COURSE I write what I'm too afraid to post on Tumblr where the people I'll be referencing can see it.

It's not that I'm afraid that they'll see it. I just don't know if they feel the same way about our friendships as I do.

I don't even know how to put into words how much all of these people have meant to me this summer. As much as I wish that I'd been friends with all of them so much sooner than just this past year, I think we all met at the perfect time. At least for me, anyways. I knew this first summer on my own would be rough, but it honestly has been one of the best summers of my life thanks to these guys.

I would never have done any number of the things I did this summer without them. Releasing my first full length album, going to my first actual parties, driving recklessly with a boy in the trunk, getting sooo much new music, going to diners at one in the morning, swimming with people in their underwear, watching Eric Andre, sleeping under art, doing yoga in a tree house, cuddling with my bandmates. I've learned so many things and met so many people and tried so many new things that I wouldn't have found the guts to do otherwise.

I don't know how to say goodbye to them all, either. Do I make gifts? Do I just try and hug them all? Do I wait and send them stuff in college? Do I send sappy letters? I doubt that they value these friendships as much as I do; I still feel the awkward age gap, where they're all going off to college and I'm still in high-school-land. And I don't know if I've returned all the favors they've given me. Or how to repay them for the summer I'm so glad that I had.

Summer's not over quite yet, but I just needed to get these thoughts out there.

If any of you guys see this, I hope you know that it's about you. And that I'm grateful a billion times over that we're friends, and that I hope you kick so much ass in college. I'll miss you. Thanks for being a fucking fantastic friend.

So much love,

Suzi

So, To Continue These Posts About My Love Life..

I'm actually enjoying being single now.

It's ridiculously wonderful to know I can hang out with whoever I want, or cuddle with people, or just THINK as an individual. I never realized how many of my opinions had been essentially formed by someone else, and it's nice to start making up my own mind about things.

Though, I still do miss having a someone. When I see couples at school or out and about, it still kinda hurts. Because I used to have that, and now it's gone. But I guess I know that it's possible for me to have that in the first place, which helps me believe it'll happen again. Just not now.

Quite honestly, I neeeed space right now. I don't wanna deal with another relationship for a while. Being single in high school is an entirely new experience for me, and it's not altogether unpleasant. I feel like I only hafta worry about me, and not constantly thinking about anyone else.

So. I need topics besides coming to terms with my singleness.

OH. Right.

My first two grad parties ever were successes! Everyone looked wonderful in their sundresses, it was so nice seeing everyone all dressed up. And I saw so many peoples, and they said they liked me and I said I liked them and friendships were reaffirmed and it was loverly. The only downside was that it reminded me that all of these fantastic people won't be here next year, and I'll be awfully lonely without them. For the most part, I enjoy people from the senior class much more than the majority of my class (besides all my terrific friends, of course). And considering some of them are heading off to Nowhere, Ohio and the like, I have no idea when I'll see them next once they graduate.

Growing up is difficult.

But I must head off to bed now. Tomorrow is practice for Blue Man Group next Friday (I'm painting myself blue and everything, guys, please come out to Battle of the Bands so it's not all for naught!) and sleep is necessary.

Knighty knight, y'all,

Suzi

YOU'RE IN THE FRIEND ZONE, AND FOR A REASON.

IT'S BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU THAT WAY.

I said yes to going to prom with you AS A FRIEND. I lend you my books AS A FRIEND. You can't take a now three year friendship and do this to it. You know I just got out of my first relationship, that lasted for almost three years, and now you're doing this?

JUST. I MEAN. BOYS.

In other news, I maybe possibly hopefully will not paint myself blue and play the drumbone at the upcoming Battle of the Bands. So there's a reason to come out and see it. Just warning you: I have no idea what I'll look like in a bald cap.

I've also decided (or kinda sorta have thought about) joining Speech and Debate next year. I'd wanna perform slam poetry. Not write it, necessarily, I don't have that kind of writing ability. But the whole performing of them just seems so wonderful. I just need some to perform. Any suggestions? (Psh, I act like people read this thing.)

Off To Watch Poets On Youtube,

Suzi

Emotions From An Ex-Boyfriend Virgin

He said no.

I knew he'd say no, I regretted asking him as soon as I'd said it. But, of course, the fact that he had to think about it and make me wait a freaking week and a half for an answer got my hopes up. I'm not even sure if it's him that I miss or what we had when everything was going well or just a boyfriend in general. Everything's so messy inside my head. It is my first time being actually single in high school, so maybe that's what's got me so weird. And the fact that he was my first boyfriend. Of two and a half years.

Le sigh.

It's better that I don't have someone else to worry about on top of everything else that comes along to stress you out during junior year. I just miss my best friend.

Off To Do Some French Homework (And Probably Cry A Little, Too),

Suzi

So These Are Some Words.

And they're written way too late at night for them to be completely coherent, but I want them and need them to be written right now.

I need personality. I need opinions. I need knowledge. I need to think. I've been too damn lazy mentally lately (adverbs anyone?) and I need my brain back. Whether it was helping depressed friends or losing my grandmother or being single in high school for the first time that did it, I don't know, but I want it to stop.

I'm gonna start fangirling again (Benedict Cumberbatch, oh my GOD) and musicking more and drawing more and making my room my own again and reading books all the way through again and riding my bike again and climbing trees again and making badass birthday presents again and being myself again.

I've missed being myself. And I'm not entirely sure how I lost myself in the first place.

I told him I'd try again, if he wanted to. He hasn't talked to me in over a week. Well, fuck him. Single life is better now, even if I'm reminded of him every once in a while, and still cringe when I see couples. Being on my own now is probably healthier. I can hang out with my friends if I want to, even GUYS, god forbid. I can go to Thanks Thursdays and cuddle with whoever if I so please. I can take a friend to prom and we can dress up like rainbows and show up in a shitty car. I can spend all night watching Sherlock and skyping my best friend. I can watch shitty romantic comedies with my sister and eat too much candy.

WOORRRDDSSS. EMOOTIONNSS. FEEEELLLINGGSS.

I feel a bit better.

New college requirement: marching band. (I can't help myself)

Another one: studying abroad (Europeeuropeeuropeeurope)

I'm painting my toenails and feeding dogs tomorrow.

Sleep would be expected of me at this point, I guess. Knighty knight.

I'm Feeling Pensive and Sad Tonight.

Things I Dislike (Because I Really Ought Not to Hate Anything)
-when fantastic things end
-when people are sad
-when I can't un-sad them
-fatal illnesses and diseases
-when people needlessly fight
-drowning in work and busy things
-sleeping less than five hours
-neglecting to stretch
-not being able to please everyone

I epitomize the image of a frustrated, angsty teenager tonight, I believe. I've had a fantastic weekend, and yet I'm still fed up with things. I don't like being so sad after being so happy. "What goes up must come down" my ass.

I'd really like to sleep for a week.

Should I try this again?

Might as well.

Hey y'all. Is blogging out of vogue now? I guess that means it's sufficiently obscure enough for me to resume posting. I must keep up hipster appearances after all.

Though, I may be lapsing into a punk style. All my rad eighties t-shirts and Japandroids posters and punk-band-memberships.

I really wanna go out, all the time. I feel like I'm too square (see the punkiness?), that by following the rules all the time and being the goody two shoes I am is ruining my chances to be a reckless teenager. I'd love to run out in the middle of the night to concerts or parties, or to spontaneously drive into the city or something. My conscience is too strong though, I've yet to overcome it. I'll just have to enjoy squaredom until I get my punk act together.

In other, less soul-searching news, I got an iPod classic for Christmas, as well as a pinhole camera kit, and half a serenade from my lovely (I'm getting the other half when he remembers the rest of the lyrics). I've also accumulated a huuge pile of giveaway clothes, which makes me feels better about getting presents. Hopefully I can get them to Goodwill this week.

Just to add that little bit of stress I always seem to talk about, I reaally need to practice for district band. I took a week off after auditions (after two months of practicing everyday at lunch and never seeing my friends) but I didn't realize just how soon the concert is. I'm hoping to learn all the snare parts during break, leaving the marimba and timpani parts for when I can get back in the band room. I just need better time management (another naggment on my mind).

Various Other Life Updates:
- I made fourth chair in district band (third in orchestra!)
- I'm top drummer in Panther Jazz Band
- I'm in a band with Teofertax and TGalaxy (which is way more fun than I thought it'd be)
- I've still got ma' boy
- I volunteer at the Delco SPCA
- I've been to Europe and back (six countries!)
- I've started a vinyl collection (some artists include: Yes, Sufjan Stevens, The Australian Jazz Quartet, Weather Report, Bon Iver, John Coltrane)
- I'm finally seriously reading The Lord of the Rings
- I'm taking AP Bio (if that wasn't already known) and it's sooo keewwlll
- I have a signed Japandroids poster that makes me so so happy (thank youu, Durgle)

But, I'm off to snack a little before bed. It's been real, all my invisible blog-followers. Hope to see you soon.

Suzi Q